Dreams of the conscious mind

Recently I have noticed something quite tragic, first I noticed it in my close friends, and now i'm starting to see that most people suffer from living their lives according to what they think, or assume is expected of them. I want to keep my friends identities protected, so I may be a bit vague, but I have to get this out.

The anomaly that is becoming apparent to me, is that my friends know exactly who they are, exactly who they want to be, and how they want to live, but they are so afraid of what making those decisions public will mean, that they just don't follow through. I have three examples.

The most serious first. Friend 1 is aware that they are unstable, aware that they are self destructive, and want to get better, but refuses to tell their family, for fear that they will be disappointed and take pity on my friend. The last thing someone just becoming independent wants is pity. This person also has to be very discreet with an employer, for fear that getting the help that is truly necessary, may result in being fired. I have therefore made myself available to this person, night and day, no matter what, I am my friend's rock, the person that they can call when lonely, or suicidal, or just when they need a hug, and this has helped immensely. My friend has felt themselves getting better from the inside out, finally discovering what it means to be a real friend to someone. No matter what happens, I will always be there, and really there, not just inviting them to events on facebook, or liking they're status, but being there, when I'm needed, and even when i'm not needed, just to make sure everything is ok. Sending an unsolicited text message every once in a while. Being worried when they don't respond, acting, not just promising.

OK.

Second most serious. My next friend has come to terms that they are gay within the last few years, and has slowly been telling people on a need to know basis. When this friend revealed to their parents of the fact that they were gay, my friends father refused to speak to them. Thought that he did something wrong, thought that my friend was broken or defective in someway, thought that my friend had an affliction that needed to be cured. That anyone, especially your parents would have that kind of attitude is a tragedy. Just because someone doesn't fit into your plan the way you had hoped, or doesn't fulfill some standard or ideal, doesn't mean that they should be tossed aside, and left for dead. I was very shocked to find out that my friend was fearful to tell me specifically about this fact. My friend waited a long time to tell me, for fear that I wouldn't want to be their friend, that I would dismiss it and write them off. I had to let them know that no matter what happens I will be there, it's impossible for me to judge someone. We are our own people, we deserve to make our own decisions, and it is tragic that people fail to act out of fear that they will be judged. No one should have to live in fear of who they are.

and finally, the least serious friend 3.

This last friend is a bit more extreme than the last two, this friend enjoys anal sex, and is unclear about sexual orientation. This person is involved in a serious heterosexual relationship, and is happy in the relationship, except in the bedroom. This persons partner will not participate in anal sex for one reason or another. That is they're prerogative, and I respect that. This person has been accused of being gay in rather public, cruel displays. We had a discussion today that we can't wait until no one subscribes to one sexual orientation or another, when everyone can just be attracted to whomever they want without having to declare to the world that they prefer one sex over the other. Point is, my friend cannot openly make their preferences known, it has to be something that they are ashamed of, something that makes them less of a respected human being.
Again, TRAGIC.

I have found myself in the same situation. When I was in highschool, I was called "ellen" because for one reason or another, my classmates thought I was gay. I let them call me that because I didn't really care either way. If they were bad enough people to disrespect me that way then I didn't need to extend them any type of kindness, or friendship. In retrospect, I was appreciative of the female form, but also of female company. Women are, naturally more nurturing, which I needed, I was afterall a child of divorce. I was forced by ridicule to hide this part of myself, the part that thought that women were beautiful creatures, that the company of women was very comforting. A sexual manifestation never showed itself, because I never wanted it to, I didn't want to explore the female form, I could just appreciate it. So from then on I pursued the company of men, though high school I had many more male friends than female, and the one really good female friend i had, was like minded, wanted a real friendship, built on trust, and mutual respect. Then in college I met another amazing like minded female friend, and found myself with two great loves of my life, people that I want in my life forever, people who I know I would do anything for, people who would do anything for me.

The point of this ramble-on is that we should be able to be just exactly who we are, but we should also have the capacity to allow those around us the same freedom, to not judge, to love people for who they are, not for the void they can fill on our facebook page.

PLEASE PEOPLE,

JUST RESPECT ONE ANOTHER

IF ITS NONE OF YOUR BUSINESS, ITS NONE OF YOUR FUCKING BUSINESS SO SHUT YOUR TRAP AND LET ME LIVE MY LIFE.