Dreams of the conscious mind

Recently I have noticed something quite tragic, first I noticed it in my close friends, and now i'm starting to see that most people suffer from living their lives according to what they think, or assume is expected of them. I want to keep my friends identities protected, so I may be a bit vague, but I have to get this out.

The anomaly that is becoming apparent to me, is that my friends know exactly who they are, exactly who they want to be, and how they want to live, but they are so afraid of what making those decisions public will mean, that they just don't follow through. I have three examples.

The most serious first. Friend 1 is aware that they are unstable, aware that they are self destructive, and want to get better, but refuses to tell their family, for fear that they will be disappointed and take pity on my friend. The last thing someone just becoming independent wants is pity. This person also has to be very discreet with an employer, for fear that getting the help that is truly necessary, may result in being fired. I have therefore made myself available to this person, night and day, no matter what, I am my friend's rock, the person that they can call when lonely, or suicidal, or just when they need a hug, and this has helped immensely. My friend has felt themselves getting better from the inside out, finally discovering what it means to be a real friend to someone. No matter what happens, I will always be there, and really there, not just inviting them to events on facebook, or liking they're status, but being there, when I'm needed, and even when i'm not needed, just to make sure everything is ok. Sending an unsolicited text message every once in a while. Being worried when they don't respond, acting, not just promising.

OK.

Second most serious. My next friend has come to terms that they are gay within the last few years, and has slowly been telling people on a need to know basis. When this friend revealed to their parents of the fact that they were gay, my friends father refused to speak to them. Thought that he did something wrong, thought that my friend was broken or defective in someway, thought that my friend had an affliction that needed to be cured. That anyone, especially your parents would have that kind of attitude is a tragedy. Just because someone doesn't fit into your plan the way you had hoped, or doesn't fulfill some standard or ideal, doesn't mean that they should be tossed aside, and left for dead. I was very shocked to find out that my friend was fearful to tell me specifically about this fact. My friend waited a long time to tell me, for fear that I wouldn't want to be their friend, that I would dismiss it and write them off. I had to let them know that no matter what happens I will be there, it's impossible for me to judge someone. We are our own people, we deserve to make our own decisions, and it is tragic that people fail to act out of fear that they will be judged. No one should have to live in fear of who they are.

and finally, the least serious friend 3.

This last friend is a bit more extreme than the last two, this friend enjoys anal sex, and is unclear about sexual orientation. This person is involved in a serious heterosexual relationship, and is happy in the relationship, except in the bedroom. This persons partner will not participate in anal sex for one reason or another. That is they're prerogative, and I respect that. This person has been accused of being gay in rather public, cruel displays. We had a discussion today that we can't wait until no one subscribes to one sexual orientation or another, when everyone can just be attracted to whomever they want without having to declare to the world that they prefer one sex over the other. Point is, my friend cannot openly make their preferences known, it has to be something that they are ashamed of, something that makes them less of a respected human being.
Again, TRAGIC.

I have found myself in the same situation. When I was in highschool, I was called "ellen" because for one reason or another, my classmates thought I was gay. I let them call me that because I didn't really care either way. If they were bad enough people to disrespect me that way then I didn't need to extend them any type of kindness, or friendship. In retrospect, I was appreciative of the female form, but also of female company. Women are, naturally more nurturing, which I needed, I was afterall a child of divorce. I was forced by ridicule to hide this part of myself, the part that thought that women were beautiful creatures, that the company of women was very comforting. A sexual manifestation never showed itself, because I never wanted it to, I didn't want to explore the female form, I could just appreciate it. So from then on I pursued the company of men, though high school I had many more male friends than female, and the one really good female friend i had, was like minded, wanted a real friendship, built on trust, and mutual respect. Then in college I met another amazing like minded female friend, and found myself with two great loves of my life, people that I want in my life forever, people who I know I would do anything for, people who would do anything for me.

The point of this ramble-on is that we should be able to be just exactly who we are, but we should also have the capacity to allow those around us the same freedom, to not judge, to love people for who they are, not for the void they can fill on our facebook page.

PLEASE PEOPLE,

JUST RESPECT ONE ANOTHER

IF ITS NONE OF YOUR BUSINESS, ITS NONE OF YOUR FUCKING BUSINESS SO SHUT YOUR TRAP AND LET ME LIVE MY LIFE.

so i just had a dream.

And a bunch of people were in it, so hold on to your hats.

So me and lyden were roller skating through bed bath and beyond, and checking stuff out, and we saw a tv screen with dan milazzo's face on it, i was like omg!! dan!! awesome, and it was just another strange video art thing that he had done, it was pretty cool...then we bump in to alissa dirksen, and she and I decide to go to the house across the street and break in, and just look around, when we go outside, there's a jet circling above the parking lot, so we stopped to watch, the pilot would get so close to the ground that the wing would scrape on the black top... then he went crazy and crashed the plane through the window of the store... and just ran away, so me and alissa continue to the house across the street. it was an awesome house, and we were just wandering around playing with stuff...and then the owners came home, and we had to book it out of there, i was sure they saw us on we got caught but we made it out. We went back to bbb, and there, my boss from the nursing home saw me, and flagged me down, she said, ginny, i need to talk to you about something. I was like, shit, she found us out.... she sits me down, and says ok, i just need to tell you a story, and what to do if this ever happens. she said that one time there was an elderly woman who decided to shoplift a whole bunch of stuff from bbb, she made off in a golf cart going 20 miles per hour all the way to her lake house. when they got there she was so delerious, and demented that they wanted to sedate her, but wanted to bring her out of really fast. so audrey showed me the iv that she would give her, and how to administer it, and then she showed me the two other things, that i would have to put in the bag to counteract the drugs i just gave her. the additional things that i put in the bag, made it shrink way down... it was weird.... in the mean time my sister showed up, she was climing up a huge platform and the song express yourself by madonna started to play.... she got to the very top and did an awesome tap number and i was cheering her on!! (i wonder if i was really screaming for her while i was asleep) then i decided that i wanted to join her, i put on gloves and went up on the plat form, but by the time i got up there, johnny from dirty dancing started dancing with her to time of your life and latika and jamal from slumdog millionare were making out under the platform, the song ended and me and tricia and johnny were talking, and i looked up and there was a bunch of different shower curtains i had never seen before, and customers kept asking me questions, like one guy wanted ear covering headphones, and lauren the receptionist from abbington wanted bar soap... while i was talking go them i took off my gloves and they had taken most of my blue nail polish off... i was sad....

last night...

i had a dream that

me and a couple friends wanted to go to a festival in chicago, so we went to this dock, where there was this guy was giving people transport to grant park via the river...but you had to have a big metal structure to ride on, but we did. so we dumped our big metal structure in the water onto these cables, and let it pull us in.... i should have blogged sooner, cuz that's all i remember from that one. i think there was some sort of confrontation...

@johncmayer

So because I get tweets from John Mayer, and I'm signed up for text alerts, I get texts all night from john, not really intimate stuff, but interesting things, that make me feel like we're buds.

Last night I had another dream that we were bf/gf. We met up and we were all cool, and I was getting really jealous cuz he's famous, and he could have girls like Jessica Alba... and were makin out and other stuff... and then we had to take off running...for some reason, and then we were on an inflateable train car... goin down the tracks... and then i look around him and see that there is a train coming, I'm all, "JOHN OMG JOHN THERE'S A TRAIN" and he was all typin on his blackberry.. so i grabbed the sides of the car and shifted us to the next track over and everything was all ok. I was like "JOHN! yay I saved us" and he was like, "thanks babe."

thats really all. in my dream world, john and I are dating. sweet.

I didn't do a presentation...?...

So, in my dream, I was graduating from grad school. I was getting my masters, and I had one project to do before I graduated. In science class. The room was Mr. Kuban's room in jr high, but the teacher was this woman named peggy from the nursing home. I was being totally abnoxious as I always did in school. I was bragging to everyone that I was graduating, and I was saying, "Do you have a masters? after today I'll have a masters." Everyone was making a big camotion about something, so I asked, what's everyone freaking out about?...Someone said, the presentation. I was all... what presentation? I didn't do a presentation. I asked how long we were supposed to talk, and they said 20min. So I was like, k, I can talk for 20 minutes on this topic...

I woke up at 7:07am, during this dream...I'm supposed to leave for work at 7:10am.... GOOD SAVE.

walking on sand is hard, especially when you have to pedal your car.

last night i dreamt that i was working at home depot, which is weird, since i just started at bed bath and beyond. Anyway, I was working there, but it must have been in like florida or something cuz everything was sand. It was quite difficult to walk and run.

Anyway, I was walking though this strip mall area type thing... and I was on the phone with my mom. She kept saying how she wanted to meet up with me so we could go shopping. Ashley Lyden was following me around talking to me about how 90% of people who work at walmart were serial rapists. I eventually ran into my mom and my sister, and then once we were in home depot, we ran into my aunt and ehr husband....so when we were leaving we all had to pile in my car to head out, and I was driving. I was really worried that The weight in the car was gonna make my tire go flat... but the car didn't run on gasoline, i had to pedal it like a bike. And we were heading to Target on State in Rockford, and I was turning, and I almost got run over, and it was scary.

dream?

So last night, my dreams were borderline hallucinations. In the dream I was lying in bed, watching my clock. and there was this big vent thing where my john mayer poster usually is...and it was purifying the air in my apartment, sucking the air out to the outside...and all of this junk was building up on it and it was really strange... then i realized that there was someone in my bathroom... i didn't even think about it and went back to sleep, when I "woke up" I looked at my clock and came to the conclusion that this was the time that my mom usually left to go to work. Next thing I know she has all her work stuff and she's heading out the door...weird..

So then I "go back to sleep" and a little while later I wake up to a giant salamander crawling out from a hole in the middle of the wall that my closet is on... i freaked out all i could think of to yell was NO!... (i may have actually yelled this) and that just scared the thing... and it ran out and walked over to my door and I thought he was going to be able to get out through the space bellow the door, but he wouldn't fit. So he was just scratching at the door.

Then My Alarm went off....in real life, not the dream.

Drew Carey

So, I wasn't gonna post this... but i can't keep it to myself.

So me and miles and his sister, and her bf, were driving in my car. We had the car packed with a ton of camping gear, and tommy was riding in the trunk. We got to this swampy area in the woods which was obviously where we were heading. We get out and start walking around. We find a really long skinny trailer in the woods... and there's some people sitting in lawn chairs in the mud out in front... we walk closer and as we walk up the plank to the main floor of the trailer.. We notice that drew carey is standing there in a powder blue suit...and he was all like "WELCOME" and he was just showin us around n stuff... and he said that the sun was starting to set so we'd better get going....

We were walking to the car, and then it suddenly got dark... so we were running... and then all these like scary bat...vampire...beastly things are flying all around... and we all dive in the car... i went for the trunk... and it wouldn't close and the creatures were clawing at the car and shit...

thats all i really remember.

ya, im fucked up, i know.